Today, on Facebook, I saw a meme. It proclaimed that while Miley Cyrus encourages the young women of today to buy their own flowers, somehow the older generation is superior because the Dixie Chicks told us how to kill Earl.
I get the joke. I kinda chuckled. Maybe. A little.
But in defense of Earl, let's imagine a world where Earl doesn't have to die.
In this alternate universe, Earl is taught, from a young age, to respect other people's boundaries--in particular, the boundaries of people that he considers "inferior" to him, in this case being women. He is not taught the rules of toxic masculinity. He is guided by kind and educated adults to be an empathetic upstander.
Earl, in this alternate universe, doesn't feel the need to abuse his lady. He just lets her be the queen that she is even when he doesn't agree with her.
And even if Earl is a complete dolt who cannot get the message, he is living in a society where people--in particular, women and children--who are abused by asses like Earl are actually protected by the system. When they call the police, their complaints are taken seriously. When they report abuse to a judge or jury, they are believed. When they are granted a protection order, that order is followed, and if it isn't, Earl is held accountable.
You see, at the end of the day, Earl isn't entirely the problem. The problem is a society that teaches men that they have to be hostile and angry and authoritative in order to be a "real man." The problem is that abusers are allowed to keep abusing, if not physically, in other ways--emotionally, psychologically, financially, whatever. The problem is that some of us - mostly women - are so afraid to leave, for whatever the reasons, that we keep enduring the same crap over and over for years and years, and once we have finally had enough, "the system" isn't on our side. "Just learn to ignore it. I'm sure he won't really do that. He didn't directly threaten you; it's only implied."
Earl was trained to be an asshole. He was trained to believe that he was superior to women, and/or to anybody that he perceived to be weaker than he was. Earl is a product of a society that expects men to behave in a certain manner and a system that doesn't hold men accountable when they act in that manner - no matter how inappropriate that manner may be.
Earl had to die. Or did he? Earl only had to die because we have a system that won't protect victims from their aggressors, so the victims have to take matters into their own hands. Earl wouldn't have had to die if it weren't for desperation - the desperation of women who know that they, and their children, wouldn't be safe unless Earl were no longer alive and on this earth.
Earl doesn't have to die if we teach him empathy and boundaries. Earl doesn't have to die if he understands that he doesn't have to live up to some ridiculous gender standard that society has created for him. Earl doesn't have to die if he learns how to just be a nice fucking person. Earl is a product of his society and the system that regulates it. And Earl has been conditioned to believe that everything he does, no matter how nefarious, is just okey dokey.
Earl had to die. But only because we, as a community, didn't prevent it.
Before I address the fallacy I see, I want to say that I 100% agree with your take on teaching men better. I believe men need to learn how to resolve problems outside of violence. I think they need to learn to manage their emotions better and need more tools to prevent them from being Earl.
ReplyDeleteI agree that society needs to change faster to be more supportive and empowering of victims of domestic abuse. The rules and stigmas both need to be clarified in favor of the abused and more directly against the abusers.
Where I disagree is that I feel there is a huge part of the Miley Cyrus message that is being left out or misinterpreted.
To me, her message is that you should be the one to bring yourself happiness. Stop depending on your significant other to find love.
The story of Earl, is one of dependency. The Dixie Chicks stayed with Earl because he represented "love" to them. At first things likely went well, and as with most relationships it devolved. Sadly, it devolved into abusive behavior on one side (yeah, dude. I am talking to you) and dependency on the other. For a time, the abuse was thought of as an expression of love and in that society, it was normalized (thankfully this is changing, though not nearly fast enough). The Dixie Chicks recognized this and said, stop the abuse by any means necessary. Stand up and kill the dude if you have to.
Miley Cyrus on the other hand is saying don't get into that kind of relationship from the start. Don't let others define love for you. She is saying you don't need to find love in Earl, you need to find the love in and for yourself. Don't become dependent on your sig-other for happiness or anything. If you do, you'll end up listening to the Dixie Chicks to build up your courage.
That said, I could be completely wrong. It is a state I unfortunately find myself in more often than not. That doesn't mean I can't be led out of being wrong and changing my mind though.