Getting Spanked Doesn't Make You a "Better Person"

CONGRATULATIONS! You are among the many humans in this world to have been physically assaulted by your parents!

And if you "like" this photo... you are also probably damaged in ways that you don't even understand. 

If you're proud of it, I'm even more sorry.

I just can't with crap like this. Just. Can. Not.

You probably don't have "respect for others." You simply have a "fear of people who are more powerful than you are." 

"Respect" does NOT equal "fear."

For decades now, there have been studies on this issue of corporal punishment. What they show, ultimately, is that being taught to live in fear of an authority figure doesn't actually make you a better person - just a more frightened and distrustful one. They also show that if you have been assaulted by an authority figure, you're more likely to assault other people, including your own children. 

If your parents "disciplined" you through fear of physical punishment, they were not teaching you "discipline." They were teaching you about power. They were teaching you that people who are bigger than you can hurt you, and that hurting people is an effective way to get others to comply with your wishes. 

And I am so, so sorry.

I am dating a 48-year-old man who used to get assaulted by his ex-wife. Simple things such as me opening the bedroom door or turning on a light in the middle of the night make him flinch. He's a foot taller than me, built like a linebacker, and strong as a bull. But physical assault makes an imprint that lasts a lifetime.

I am the mother of a child who had her bones broken by the man she called a stepfather. She jumps at the sound of a fire alarm. Because physical assault makes an imprint that lasts a lifetime.

"But I wasn't abused! My parents only spanked me on the butt!" (Yada yada yada...) No. Your parents beat you. And it didn't make you a more respectful, or a "better," person. It simply taught you that if there is someone in the room that is stronger than you, then you'd better comply, because if you don't, that person will hurt you.

And that is the worst possible form of "discipline" that an adult can use on a child.

DO BETTER, PEOPLE. If you were spanked as a child and you turned out "okay," congrats. But mark my words - you aren't a "good person" just because your parents didn't know any more effective way to teach you how to conduct yourself.

STOP reinforcing the toxic myth that corporal punishment is "okay." It isn't. 

You Gotta Love Them Even When You Don’t

Trying to reassure a first year teacher tonight… don’t want her to burn out. She’s good. And she’s struggling. Here’s what I told her… 

“I was 22, barely older than my juniors. And they simply wouldn’t listen. I was ranting to my dad about how I had tried every punishment I could think of and nothing was working. And he said to me, so matter of factly, ‘have you tried rewarding them for good behavior instead?’ So I started ‘star of the week,’ and picked someone for some reason every week no matter how much a stretch. It wasn’t the greatest, but it was something. What I’ve learned over the years is that you get further for rewarding them far more than they deserve. I have scratch off tickets I throw out like candy… ‘skip a minor assessment,’ ‘drop a low grade,’ ‘get a snack,’ ‘get a positive phone call or email home…’ it costs me almost nothing and it gets me out of grading sometimes. 😉” 

I’ve learned so much more from my “pain in the ass” students than I have from the “good kids.” In fact, some of the best relationships I’ve fostered were with kids who hated me and who I wanted to strangle. 

And there is ALWAYS a reason… behavior is communication. Find out the reason and you can probably solve the classroom management problem.

And always use humor. Always. 

I hope that she doesn’t give up. This isn’t a profession for the weak or faint of heart. You’ve gotta love them even when you don’t. But I think that’s why I have excelled at this work. 

The other day, one of my students told me that she was getting tired of defending me to the haters. 😂😂😂 I told her not to worry… they can hate me now, but they will appreciate me later.

In Defense of Earl

Today, on Facebook, I saw a meme. It proclaimed that while Miley Cyrus encourages the young women of today to buy their own flowers, somehow the older generation is superior because the Dixie Chicks told us how to kill Earl.

I get the joke. I kinda chuckled. Maybe. A little. 

But in defense of Earl, let's imagine a world where Earl doesn't have to die.

In this alternate universe, Earl is taught, from a young age, to respect other people's boundaries--in particular, the boundaries of people that he considers "inferior" to him, in this case being women. He is not taught the rules of toxic masculinity. He is guided by kind and educated adults to be an empathetic upstander.

Earl, in this alternate universe, doesn't feel the need to abuse his lady. He just lets her be the queen that she is even when he doesn't agree with her. 

And even if Earl is a complete dolt who cannot get the message, he is living in a society where people--in particular, women and children--who are abused by asses like Earl are actually protected by the system. When they call the police, their complaints are taken seriously. When they report abuse to a judge or jury, they are believed. When they are granted a protection order, that order is followed, and if it isn't, Earl is held accountable. 

You see, at the end of the day, Earl isn't entirely the problem. The problem is a society that teaches men that they have to be hostile and angry and authoritative in order to be a "real man." The problem is that abusers are allowed to keep abusing, if not physically, in other ways--emotionally, psychologically, financially, whatever. The problem is that some of us - mostly women - are so afraid to leave, for whatever the reasons, that we keep enduring the same crap over and over for years and years, and once we have finally had enough, "the system" isn't on our side. "Just learn to ignore it. I'm sure he won't really do that. He didn't directly threaten you; it's only implied." 

Earl was trained to be an asshole. He was trained to believe that he was superior to women, and/or to anybody that he perceived to be weaker than he was. Earl is a product of a society that expects men to behave in a certain manner and a system that doesn't hold men accountable when they act in that manner - no matter how inappropriate that manner may be.

Earl had to die. Or did he? Earl only had to die because we have a system that won't protect victims from their aggressors, so the victims have to take matters into their own hands. Earl wouldn't have had to die if it weren't for desperation - the desperation of women who know that they, and their children, wouldn't be safe unless Earl were no longer alive and on this earth. 

Earl doesn't have to die if we teach him empathy and boundaries. Earl doesn't have to die if he understands that he doesn't have to live up to some ridiculous gender standard that society has created for him. Earl doesn't have to die if he learns how to just be a nice fucking person. Earl is a product of his society and the system that regulates it. And Earl has been conditioned to believe that everything he does, no matter how nefarious, is just okey dokey.

Earl had to die. But only because we, as a community, didn't prevent it.